Pain Train
5. Our Family Tradition of Singing Happy Birthday to Jesus on Christmas Morning
My family lines up and sings Happy Birthday to Jesus before opening gifts on Christmas morning. Is this a ridiculous and silly tradition? Absolutely. But is it meaningful and important to my family? Absolutely. Thus is the beauty of any tradition. I am definitely not a fan of performing a tradition for traditions sake and that is why I "hate" this. But I love the genuine and affection feeling it arouses in my family.
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| Jesus sure has aged well over the years. Ab cruncher? |
I am referring to the people who add things to the original Rudolph song. Examples of this include "like Monopoly" or "like a light bulb". The reason I hate this is associated to the type of person who does this. It is usually the ubber enthusiastic, brown-noser, Boy Scout type who insert this phrase. Unfortunately, as much as I hate this I find myself doing it every single time. I can't help myself. It has an almost metaphysical ability to illicit snarky singing compliance.
3. The Family Christmas Picture and Letter
We all make fun of the family that feels the need to update us on Jimmy's penalty shootout to win state cup. It really just serves as a platform for families to assert some type of "holier than thou" image to its families and friends. And while we look at this hubris with disdain, we gobble them up and read every minute detail. We study the pictures and reread the letter. We hate it, but can't turn off our feeble yearning to resist.
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| How can we spin "Daddy lost his job" |
I am talking about the house that decides to make it a personal goal to be seen from space. The house that has more lights than Disneyland. The house that single-handily needs its own grid. The extravagance and pride that goes into this production is somewhat sickening. You are basically saying, "I want the attention, look at me". It should really be, "how many accidents can I cause by having people stop and stare at my house?" I say that but every year we get in the car as a family and tour the block of houses that does this. We turn on Christmas music and point out the different set-ups and ensembles. We secretly wish our parents had done it to our house growing up.
1. The ABC Family Channel's 25 Days of Christmas
Check out these titles: Holidays in Handcuffs, Christmas Cupid, I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause, and Snowglow. These truly awful titles match the truly awful reality of the movies. But as awful as they may be, they are enjoyable. The endings, while predictable, are heart-warming and reinforce the Christmas spirit. To top things off, they do a great job of including good looking people to headline these flicks. This year's lineup included the likes of Chad Michael Murray, Christina Milian, Mario Lopez, and Ashley Williams. You hate to love them!
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| How long until Nick Cage plays a leading role in one of these? |
Tjack Attack
5. 24 hour Christmas Story Marathon
Even though this is a classic, watching it once is enough. But every year it seems that I watch it once at every new house I go to. “Deck the Haws wif bells of horry, fa ra ra ra ra ra ra ra ra” “you’ll shoot your eye out” and who can ever forget the leg lamp. Great movie.
4. Carolers
Everybody complains, but when a caroling group shows up at your house you can’t help but smile a little. The joy of spreading joy to people in the form of song might not be my cup of tea, but I sure can appreciate what they are doing.
3. The Mall
Every year I tell myself that I will not step a foot into a mall during the Christmas season, and every year I end up there fighting my way through the crowds. Pain in the ass? Sure. Hate trying to park? Hell Yes. Feel like killing people in the lines? Don’t want to go there. But it is all worth it that Christmas morning when your gifts create smiles on the loved ones you have given them to.
2. Waking up at 7:00 AM and not having to go to work
Everybody hates to wake up early on their days off. But there is something about Christmas that requires you to wake up early. Getting up early and joining my siblings in front of the fireplace to rummage through the stockings just before we dog-piling the parents will always be considered
1. Driving 600 miles in two days to visit family for the Holidays
As we become older and we begin to build our own families and professional lives it becomes more difficult to get home for the holidays. Even though I hate the hours spent on the road, it is all worth it when your parents meet you at the door with a smile, a hug, and a kiss to welcome you home. There is nothing like family during the holidays.
Flash Money's List
#5—Fake Santas that look NOTHING like Santa—It seems like every mall I walk into there’s one of these dudes, and I kinda feel bad for them because I know they are just trying to find a few extra hours of work over the holliday, but come on. I feel like if I were six years old and tried telling my wish list to some 35-year old skinny black dude dressed as Santa Claus, it might put my belief at risk. At the same time, kinda funny
#4—Advent Calendars—I do like the candy. However, incredibly stupid holiday item. I suppose I’m looking through it through jaded yuppie eyes, and I’m sure kids still love them. But for some reason when I see them in grocery stores, I have the urge to rip down the display. But at the same time, kinda amusing.
#3—The fact that approximately 216,595 ballet companies put on the Nutcracker every year—Seriously, aren’t there any other holiday ballets you could do?!? Can I get a little Swan Lake during December?? But at the same time, kinda fitting.
#2—Christmas Songs on the radio…in November—I’ve always said that once the calendar flips to December, all was fair game when it comes to Christmas music. But when you’re driving around town in stupid traffic watching the stupid Black Friday crowds who have been camped out for six stupid hours to buy stupid Harry Potter meets Twilight action figure playhouse and the stupid dude on the radio keeps crooning about one foggy Christmas eve, it makes you just beat your head against the steering wheel. At the same time, affirms the holiday season is here, and kinda heartwarming.
#1—The daily radio spots about how much it would cost to actually purchase every item in the 12 Days of Christmas song this year—Shockingly, multiple reports have people telling me they have never heard these? Really?? Really?? I feel like I hear them 4-5 times a day from whatever overpaid radio news updater the stations choose to pull from the ranks of the gainfully unemployed. In any case, hear one and you’ll know what I mean. But at the same time, maybe interesting… in a way that makes you upset with yourself for being interested.
Kevin's List
5. The Songs
I am so sick of these songs. I have heard them for years. But I still sing along and smile because they remind me of great memories spent with people I care about. If I had to listen to them all year long though… I might turn into Jack Nicholson from the Shining.
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| All Rudolph and no play make Kevin a dull boy... |
4. The weird food that is only available this time of year
Christmas has some of the weirdest and strangest food. Food and drink that is not tolerated or accepted the rest of the year. Seriosuly, have you ever tried to buy egg nog in July? Or a peppermint latte from Starbucks? Only during Christmas is something as gross as fruitcake an acceptable dish. I still chug Egg Nog and eat candycanes though. Cholesterol and cavities be damned.
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| You don't want to know what else showed up when I searched "fruitcake" |
3. The horrible TV Christmas Specials that every TV show does
I don’t know what TV series started the tradition of having a holiday themed episode but I’m sure they regret it now. A great Christmas episode is hard to pull off. Practically every story/angle has been used. Reunion with an angry family member? Check. Dad tries to buy the last Barbie doll in town? Check. Son accidentally destroyed all the presents? Check. Yet, I still tune in. I think only the Office and the Simpsons have had great Christmas episodes. Don’t even get me started on the Star Wars Christmas special.
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| George Lucas will do anything for an easy buck |
2. All the midgets that become gainfully employed for 2 months out of the year
I’m not sure if midgets or dwarves or whatever are a protected class, but they freak me out. Usually I don’t see them 11 months out of the year unless I accidentally switch to TLC and the latest “midget family with 10 kids/bakery/motorcycle shop” show is playing. But that although malls can employ fake Santas, it is pretty hard to hire fake elves. They have to go authentic with this one. I always feel so awkward and creeped out when I walk by and a little person is staring right back at me. Anyone ever see “Bad Santa”?
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| 25% our size- 5000% evil |
1. 1. Cheerleaders in Santa costumes
I am all for cheerleaders and believe our world would be a better place with them in more situations. How much more would you enjoy your job if after you completed your TPS report you had a gaggle(their proper name for a group) of cheerleaders celebrating your success? I do think though that dressing them up in skimpy Santa outfits perverts the childhood innocence of Santa. I feel guilty that the “Mrs. Clause” shown on the TV turns me on.
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| Am I right? |
Till next Tuesday...
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