Top Five People You Would Not Want to Run into in a Dark Alley

We have all been there. We have all walked down an alley late at night. Maybe it was after the last showing at a movie theater, or just after last call at your favorite saloon. No matter what, no one likes walking down dark alleys. You always fear the worst. This list is your worst nightmare come true.


Pain Train's List

5.   Star Wars Kid

Not many people carry a light saber on their person.  But this guy does. Therefore, if I came face to face with him in a dark alley I would be rendered defenseless. Also you would feel awful hurting a guy like this, he has enough things going wrong for him in life. 

4.  O.J. Simpson

Straight psycho-path status here.  Although, I am not scared of him usually, if I ran across him in a dark alley he would probably be doing something he shouldn’t. This means I need to be destroyed. At this point the juice would be loose and so would my bowels.

3. Jack the Ripper

Although nobody knows what he looked like, I have the feeling that in a dark alley, you WOULD know. You would see his eyes and he would know that you know he is the Jack the Ripper. If this happened you would need to be wiped out quickly and ruthlessly.

Since we do not know what Jack the Ripper looks like, here is different picture of a scary figured named Jack

2. Dante Stallworth

He can’t drive when it is light outside, so imagine running into him at night. You are goner, just like the last drink he finished. 

Seriously, don't drink and drive

1. Fran Drescher 

The category read, “the top 5 people you would not like to run into in a dark alley”. I can’t imagine hearing this wailing voice in the pitch dark. Its worse than fear, its absolute horror.

T-Jack's List

5. Gross Teeth Girl

Any woman that looks like this is somebody that I would not like to meet in a dark alley.  By the looks of this woman, I am assuming, even in the darkest of alleys you could still smell her.  So imagine the smell of a woman that looks like this.  This ladies and gentleman is a double threat.

4. Hannibal Lecter 

Even though the conversation would be quite interesting because Mr. Lecter is a very intelligent man, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was on the main course for his next meal.  Furthermore, anybody that would feed you your own brain is someone I would turn and walk away from if I met them in a dark alley.  I wouldn’t think that he would wear this mask while out on the town, but any man that would even consider it isn’t worth my time.

3. Jocelyn Wildenstein

Need I say any more.  Any woman that would choose to do this to their face is somebody worth fearing when encountering in any alley let along a dark alley.

2. Exorcist Girl

Holy shit I think I just crapped myself.  Please get me another pair of underpants.  Any girl that is under the age of ten, is possessed, has a deeper voice than me, and looks like this is worth fearing no matter where you meet her.  If I met this girl in a dark alley I might as well poop myself in hopes she would feel sorry enough for me to walk right on by.

 1. Leatherface

This is one person that pooing yourself would not matter.  Any person who makes masks out of human skin wouldn’t care how pathetic you may or may not be.  Furthermore, the fact that this character is based on a real person scares the living crap out of me.  Also, any person whose choice murdering tool is a chainsaw deserves to be left alone

Corey's List

5. Mike Tyson (Circa 1986) 

Again, rounding out the top 5 with the obligatory and somewhat predictable (but entirely necessary) choice. In pissed-off, want-to-kill mode, he was and still is the single most imposing human being of all-time. Ended dozens of fights in the first round and just bat-shit crazy enough to want to rip apart (or chew on the ear of) anyone he might come across.

A "love tap" from Mr. Tyson

4. The Joker

An already creepy performance made even creeper by Heath’s posthumousness, he showed no qualms about ending anyone. Bonus points for drilling a pencil through a crime-lord’s eye and having the wherewithal to drop some arrogant quip at the same time. A mother-lode of creepy one-liners as well to chill your spine as he approaches…Some people just want to watch the world burn.

3. Anton Chigurh – The dude blows holes in other dudes’ foreheads with an air gun. Plus he can’t really speak. Which makes him more imposing for some reason. A lock pick for pure bad-ass-ness and total disregard for anyone else’s well-being.

2. Vlad the Impaler

Known for the sadistic pleasure he took from torturing enemies in bizarre fashions. Rumored to have killed between 80,000 and 100,000 people. Also nicknamed Dracula, and was the namesake for Bram Stoker’s bloodsucking Count. Bonus points for nationalistic tyranny, elegant dress and the best name on anyone’s list.

The origin of his name is still unknown

1. Jason Voorhees

For pure “shit-yourself-fear” factor, the Friday the 13th slasher gets top marks. The hockey mask is a nice touch that has spawned thousands of Halloween costumes over the years. Has the look of someone who wouldn’t think twice about completely dismembering anyone he came across, with the movie credentials to support. The machete is a nice touch.

Kevin's List

5. Cyrus the Virus (Con Air)

A total psychopath. An unlike a lot of the guys on these lists, Cyrus is that rare breed of "I know I am crazy, yet I am still going to throw you out of a plane anyways" type of crazy. He owned every scene of that turd of a movie. His best moment: when another villain tries to double crosses him but ends up in a pool of gasoline, Cyrus is holding a lit cigar. The villain, begging for mercy, yells out his name but only manages "CY!", but before he can finish, the Virus calmly utters "anora" and flicks the cigar into the flames.

The bunny was a more competent actor than Nic Cage

4. David McCall (the creepy boyfriend from "Fear")

If I ever have a daughter, I will have two fears. First fear is that she grows up to be a stripper or porn star, solidifying my failure as a parent. The second fear is that she ends up dating a psychopath like David McCall. David stalks and kills not only members of his girlfriend's family, but also kills his friends when they disagree with him. The scene where he beats his chest over and over again while staring at the dad is one of the creepiest scenes I have ever seen.

3. Fulton Reed (Mighty Ducks)

I must say this selection applies to me before I hit puberty. As a 15 year old, Fulton was peerless in bullying/intimidating ability. A 10 year old me would not stand a chance. Now as a 24 year old man, I would feel confident that him trying to steal my lunch money would end in my favor. This does not intimidate me.

2. Tommy DeVito (Goodfellas)

Although standing a mere 5'4", Tommy is not to be messed up. He beat up and murdered people twice his size with ease. Meeting him in an alley, I probably wouldn't even see him because he would be below my field of vision. I would probably accidentally bump into him and be brutally assaulted after trying to apologize. Tip: NEVER ask him to go get his shine box. Billy Batts can attest to that.

1. Anton Chigurh (No Country for Old Men)

"What's the most you ever lost in a coin toss?" I will leave it at that, friendo.

There you have it. After reading this list, I think I will take the long way around any buildings from now on. Till next Tuesday...

The Ultimate Panel for "Movies I am ashamed to like"

Sorry for the bad formatting...

To determine the winner I have developed what is assuredly not a good point system.  Each film will be awarded a score on a scale of 1-25, the higher the number the better the score.  Up to 10 points (1 being not embarrassing and 10 being the ultimate embarrassment) will be awarded for how embarrassing it would be to admit that you loved this movie to the “Ultimate Panel” (henceforth refered to as UP) consisting of James Bond, Tony Montana, and Jules Winnfield.  Up to 10 points will be awarded based on how much I personally enjoy the film and whatever else I feel like judging it on at the time.  The more I enjoy the film the lower the score will be.  The remaining 5 points will be awarded based on critical reception of the film.  This will be determined by IMDB awards listings as well as Rotten Tomatoes.  With 5 being a critical disaster and 1 being above average.  In addition, after each movie is scored I will multiply that score by its ranking 1-5 with the #1 movie being multiplied by 5, #2 by 4, etc.  After the scores are listed I will provide a brief explanation of my reasoning as well as my guess as to who the list belongs to.  Now to the scores.

List A:  

5. Miss March: UP score: 2,  My score: 4, Critic score: 5, Total=11

1. Road House: UP score: 3, My Score: 2, Critic score: 3, Total=16

3. Heavyweights: UP score: 8, My score: 1, Critic Score: 3, Total=36

2. She’s The Man: UP score: 9 My score: 6, Critic Score: 3, Total=72

1. A Walk To Remember: UP score: 10, My score: 9, Critic Score=4, Total=115

Final Score: 250

Miss March has nudity and drugs making it a big hit with the UP.  My score went higher based on how crappy it is.  Tomatometer=5% plus 1 Razzie nomination.

Road House is violent and not much else, the UP enjoys violence.  I love Road House.  Tomatometer=44% plus 5 Razzie nominations.

Heavyweights is PG and about kids the UP is highly embarrassed for you.  My score is low because no one should be embarrassed about liking a Disney movie that came out when they were a child, especially when said movie is awesome.  Tomatometer=20%

She’s The Man has nothing badass in it and the main girl spends all her time trying NOT to be attractive.  As a result, the UP would love to kick your ass.  I actually really enjoy this movie but I had to give it a higher score because of the embarrassment I feel for enjoying it. Tomatometer=44% Won a kids choice award(increasing embarrassment)

A Walk To Remember is a PG drama, nuff said.  Tomatometer=28%  Multiple awards voted on by children that are stupid and increase embarrassment.

My Guess: Pain Train

List B:

5. Selena: UP score: 6, My score: 3, Critic score: 1, Total=10

4. Monster In Law: UP score: 7, My score: 7, Critic score: 5, Total=38

3. Sister Act: UP score: 4, My score: 1, Critic score: 1, Total=18

2. 27 Dresses: UP score: 10, My score: 8, Critic score: 4, Total=88

1. Definitely Maybe: UP score: 6, My score: 5, Critic score: 2, Total=65

Final score: 219

Selena is a PG movie about a female pop star, UP is mildly embarrassed.  Any movie that is at least somewhat critically acclaimed can’t be that embarrassing to like.  Tomatometer=63% Grammy and Golden Globe nominations take your critic score to 1.

Monster In Law is considered terrible by the UP but all three members are attracted to J-Lo.  I haven’t seen it so I can’t go higher than 7, but seriously, Monster In Law??  Tomatometer=16% Multiple Teen Choice and Razzie nominations including “Best Hissy Fit” and “Worst Actress of the Decade”

The UP: “Sister Act is hilarious and awesome!” Bond and Montana may have been afraid of offending Jules by saying otherwise.  I love this movie.  Tomatometer=67% Tons of positive nominations and a few smaller wins.

27 Dresses has zero redeeming qualities in the eyes of the UP.  I hated this movie and find it despicable that someone could enjoy it.  Though I do love the Benny and The Jets  karaoke scene so I bumped it down 2 points.  Tomatometer=40%  Winner of the Teen Choice best chick flick award.

James Bond would sleep with any of the three incredibly attractive women in this film.  Unfortunately they are the only redeeming qualities of this film in the eyes of the UP.  Also, the UP does not find Ryan Reynolds to be charming.  I kinda like this movie and the women are hot, but really dislike Abigail Breslin.  Tomatometer=71%

My guess:  T-Jack Spectacular

List C:

5. The Notebook: UP score: 9, My score: 6, Critic score: 2, Total=17

4. Summercatch: UP score: 8, My score: 8, Critic score: 4, Total=40

3. Mean Girls: UP score: 6, My score: 2, Critic score: 2, Total=33

2. Swing Vote: UP score: 7, My score: 9, Critic score: 3, Total=76 

1. Serendipity: UP score: 9, My score: 3, Critic score: 2, Total=70

Final score=236

The notebook is awful in the eyes of the UP, however Rachel McAdams is “supa fly” garnering a 1 pt reduction.  I like this movie and its pretty decent. Tomatometer=52% A lot of nominations and wins.

Summercatch.  A poor guy banging a hot rich chick resonates with the UP, fortunately the mere presence of Freddie Prinze Jr. ups the embarrassment factor.  I don’t buy Freddie as a ballplayer.  Terrible title.  Dvd cover alone is highly embarrassing. Tomatometer=7% No awards.

Mean Girls has a ton of “Fine ass Jail Bait” according to Jules.  I think this movie is hilarious and I love the casting of hot women and a ton of people from SNL+the janitor from Scrubs.  Tomatometer=83% 13 Teen Choice Award nominations.

Swing Vote has a stupid plot but the UP has to give it up for Kevin Costner for Waterworld, Tin Cup, Field of Dreams, and 3000 Miles to Graceland.  I say it has a stupid plot and no appeal to anyone with a brain despite my having not watched more than the opening 5 minutes.  There is no scenario in which the presidential election would come down to one vote that hadn’t yet been cast.  Tomatometer=37%

Serendipity.  UP says: “So lame”.  I own this movie.  I like the cast and twice I have gotten laid after watching this movie. It has mystical powers.  Jeremy Piven is cool. Tomatometer=58% A few small nominations.

List D:

5. Definitely Maybe: UP score: 6, My score: 5, Critic score: 2, Total=13

4. Notting Hill: UP score: 7, My score: 1, Critic score: 1, Total=18

3. Miss Congeniality: UP score: 8, My score: 5, Critic score: 2, Total=45

2. P.S. I love You:  UP score: 8, My score: 8, Critic score: 5, Total=84

1. A Walk To Remember: Up score: 10, My score: 9, Critic score: 4, Total=115

Final score= 275

Definitely Maybe: See list B

Notting Hill is boring but the UP love Spike.  I think this is about as good as a romantic comedy can be.  I also find Spike to be hilarious.  Tomatometer=82% Tons of awards and 3 Golden Globe nominations.

Miss Congeniality is definitely embarrassing but at least she carries a gun--the UP.  Sandra Bullock is pretty funny in this movie and Michael Caine is always “the man”.  Tomatometer=41%  3 Golden Globe nominations.

P.S. I Love You is the is the worst movie in the eyes of the UP but is docked 2 points for having Gerard Butler who is now a badass in every movie.  I feel much the same.  If I had seen this film I am sure it would be a 10, since everything I read about is is terrible.  Tomatometer=23% 1 Teen Choice nomination and one Irish Film and Television award for Hilary Swank.

P.S. Hilary Swank looks like a man

A Walk to Remember: See List A

FINAL STANDINGS

1. List D 275 pts

2. List A 250 pts

3. List C 236 pts

4. List B 219 pts

List D is kind of the winner I guess.

Top Five Movies You are Ashamed to Admit You Love

Everyone has been there. Everyone has a group of movies that they all secretly love, or would be willing to watch on TNT on a Saturday afternoon when nothing else is on. Most people aren't willing to shout their affinity for such embarrassing films from the rooftops, but the boys from T5T are no ordinary men...



Kevin's List

5. Miss March
A 2009 comedy in which a high school dork and his inexplicably hot girlfriend decide to lose their virginities to each other,but the dork accidentally knocks himself into a coma. He awakes four years later and his hot girlfriend is now a playboy bunny. He and his sleazy best friend travel across the county to reunite. Incredibly crude yet satisfying none the less. Basically I feel the same way after eating McDonald's as I do after watching Miss March.

4. Roadhouse
We all know this one. One of Swayze's best performances. We all wish we could party at a bar like the Double Deuce. This is the perfect movie to jump into a third of the way through. RIP Dalton.

3.  Heavyweights
Thank God this movie came out when it did. Before the childhood obesity epidemic, making fun of fat kids was acceptable. These days, I am sure there would be some fat kids advocacy group that would protest this movie and say how insensitive it is. Great movie overall, with Ben Stiller stealing the show.

2. She's the Man
One of Amanda Bynes finest performances to date. When I was 20 and on vacation, this movie played over and over again on one of the channels in our room. We practically knew every line. I know this is a horrible movie but I will always have fond memories reciting lines with my sister.

1. A Walk to Remember
A touching story that shows that if you are attractive enough, you can date anyone in your high school. This is the movie that launched a thousand more Nicolas Sparks books/movies. This came out when I was a freshman in high school and after seeing it it gave me inspiration to try and find the dorkiest girl possible and try and date her.

The Pain Train's List

5. “Selena”-

Growing up I had a little sister who actually believed she was Selena. This was not some petty kinder flash-in-the-pan either. She stopped answering to her real name. We had to call her Selena. Therefore every Friday and Saturday night of my young adolescence was spent next to the buck stove fire listening to the soothing tones of Bide, Bide, Bumba (Did I even spell that right?). And you know what, I didn’t mind it. I complained, and oh did I complain, but then I ended up gazing into the eyes of an uglified Jennifer Lopez as I dozed to sleep. Best part of the movie hands down is when two homies present Selena with a bumper and say “Anything for Selenas”

4. Monsters-in-Law

Ladies and Gentlemen—Jennifer Lopez is the doyen of my list. Anytime, I can use doyen I should win, hands down. So even if my list is the essence of shame, I just used doyen three times. But, in my defense, Jane Fonda plays one hate-able bitch. So much of a bitch that you actually root for Jennifer Lopez’s character. You are tricked into cheering for a character portrayed by Jennifer Lopez! This has to speak about the potential of this movie, right? The real reason I love this movies--I am unspeakably attracted to Lopez and her character and my altruistic nature is satisfied as the maid wins in the end.

3.  Sister-Act

 Raise your virtual hand if you break into song at the sight of this movie. And not just any song—religious song!  I am not a Whoopi fan (because if I was I would be the president, vice president, and sole member of that fan club), but I do like the lounge singer extraordinaire Deloris Van Cartier. Besides the singing we get to see shoot-out scenes with nuns in Reno, illegal church activity, and even an appearance by the pope himself. Furthermore, I can continue to play the altruist as Sister Mary turns around an inner city neighborhood—all through song. 

2.  27 Dresses

Two years ago I lived in an old rectory with 10 women (No, I will not explain). Early one morning, I woke up with a killer H.O. I stumbled to the living room and into one of my favorite movies. At 9:00 on a random Saturday, I walked into a scene where a gorgeous Katherine Hegel is chilling with her equally hot sister at a bar. I instantly was drawn in and my hangover was cured. At 2:00 PM on the same day, one of my roomies was watching this fine film. I strolled into the room and was gazing at the same exact scene- I AM NOT JOKING. Same scene, hours later. And you know what, I sat down and watched the whole movie again. That’s the sign of a quality bad film. You can watch twice in one day.

1. Definitely, Maybe

The only movie on this list I have Tivod just to have continuous access too. Ryan Reynolds gives the performance of a young Chick-Flick lifetime and Isla Fisher makes you want to drop everything and read Jane Eyre. Look, I hate movies that “make me feel” and that are cliché. For goodness sake, I hate “Remember the Titans” for those exact reasons. But this movie throws my heart for loops for the entire 90+ minutes and every time I am shocked by such a predictable outcome. Maybe it is the cute girl that plays his daughter or maybe it the fact I see Ryan Reynold’s character as a shadow of myself. Whatever the case, I would stop the Laker game I am watching right now in favor for this movie and I am ashamed to say that. 

Corey's List


5. The Notebook

Probably the most predictable title in my Top 5, and sure to be duplicated on other lists, but I feel like when the most prototypical chick flick of the last ten years actually makes you have to tell your date you’ve got something in your eye, it’s gotta be there…

4. Summer Catch

A deadly combination for a die-hard sports fan trying to save face… A sappy love story, Jessica Biel in a soaked white top and just enough baseball to keep it interesting. Matthew Lilliard as Billy Bru is a guy we’d all either love to be (or at least have as a wingman). Even now, Freddy P leaving the mound in the 9^th of a no-no to save his true love evokes the new Webster’s definition of mixed emotions.

3. Mean Girls

In college, it was that movie that HBO kept mercilessly playing from 10pm to 4am in the late-night Friday and Saturday slots which make it prime-time viewing for “get back to the house wasted and zone out” mode. It was also that movie that no matter how many times you saw it, you kept pretending like you didn’t care and that you needed to go to sleep, but somehow, you ended up still being on the couch watching it an hour and a half after you started. More than enough guilty-pleasure soap-opera-ness to sustain itself. Major bonus points for Rachel McAdams with an edge, a smoking hot Tina Fey playing out the teacher fantasy and the constant reminders of what Lindsay Lohan could have been…

2. Swing Vote

Not that I am really embarrassed by liking the film (or at least not until cataloguing the looks I get from everyone to whom I laud it) but a necessary break from the “chick flick” tsunami of the rest of my top choices. The fact that I would elect Kevin Coster’s young, politically savvy conscience in pig-tails to any public office right now is another potentially blushy thang. Also emblematic of the similarly embarrassing fact that ever since Field of Dreams, Tin Cup and The Perfect Game, I would watch Costner lick envelopes on camera.

1.  Serendipity 

Few movies could do a better job taking the “men” out of sentiMENtal than this Cusack-Beckinsale destiny saga. Some of us also don’t think that ‘buying something every time you see it for posterity’s sake’ is all that crazy an idea. Special props for Beckinsale’s smile, a great cameo by Ari Gold Piven and a continuously comedic role of the evilly eclectic

T-Jack's List

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5. Definitely Maybe

4. Notting Hill 

3. Miss Congeniality 

2. P.S., I love You

1. A Walk to Remember 

If you ever have some time to kill, or want to connect with your more feminine side, give these movies a look. Just don't tell anyone about it.

Till next Tuesday...