Top Five Tuesday: Top Five People You Would Not Want to Run into in a Dark Alley

We have all been there. We have all walked down an alley late at night. Maybe it was after the last showing at a movie theater, or just after last call at your favorite saloon. No matter what, no one likes walking down dark alleys. You always fear the worst. This list is your worst nightmare come true.

Pain Train's List

5. Star Wars Kid

Not many people carry a light saber on their person. But this guy does. Therefore, if I came face to face with him in a dark alley I would be rendered defenseless. Also you would feel awful hurting a guy like this, he has enough things going wrong for him in life.

4. O.J. Simpson

Straight psycho-path status here. Although, I am not scared of him usually, if I ran across him in a dark alley he would probably be doing something he shouldn’t. This means I need to be destroyed. At this point the juice would be loose and so would my bowels.

3. Jack the Ripper

Although nobody knows what he looked like, I have the feeling that in a dark alley, you WOULD know. You would see his eyes and he would know that you know he is the Jack the Ripper. If this happened you would need to be wiped out quickly and ruthlessly.

Since we do not know what Jack the Ripper looks like, here is different picture of a scary figured named Jack

2. Dante Stallworth

He can’t drive when it is light outside, so imagine running into him at night. You are goner, just like the last drink he finished.

Seriously, don't drink and drive

1. Fran Drescher

The category read, “the top 5 people you would not like to run into in a dark alley”. I can’t imagine hearing this wailing voice in the pitch dark. Its worse than fear, its absolute horror.

T-Jack's List

5. Gross Teeth Girl

Any woman that looks like this is somebody that I would not like to meet in a dark alley. By the looks of this woman, I am assuming, even in the darkest of alleys you could still smell her. So imagine the smell of a woman that looks like this. This ladies and gentleman is a double threat.

4. Hannibal Lecter

Even though the conversation would be quite interesting because Mr. Lecter is a very intelligent man, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was on the main course for his next meal. Furthermore, anybody that would feed you your own brain is someone I would turn and walk away from if I met them in a dark alley. I wouldn’t think that he would wear this mask while out on the town, but any man that would even consider it isn’t worth my time.

3. Jocelyn Wildenstein

Need I say any more. Any woman that would choose to do this to their face is somebody worth fearing when encountering in any alley let along a dark alley.

2. Exorcist Girl

Holy shit I think I just crapped myself. Please get me another pair of underpants. Any girl that is under the age of ten, is possessed, has a deeper voice than me, and looks like this is worth fearing no matter where you meet her. If I met this girl in a dark alley I might as well poop myself in hopes she would feel sorry enough for me to walk right on by.

1. Leatherface

This is one person that pooing yourself would not matter. Any person who makes masks out of human skin wouldn’t care how pathetic you may or may not be. Furthermore, the fact that this character is based on a real person scares the living crap out of me. Also, any person whose choice murdering tool is a chainsaw deserves to be left alone

Corey's List

5. Mike Tyson (Circa 1986)

Again, rounding out the top 5 with the obligatory and somewhat predictable (but entirely necessary) choice. In pissed-off, want-to-kill mode, he was and still is the single most imposing human being of all-time. Ended dozens of fights in the first round and just bat-shit crazy enough to want to rip apart (or chew on the ear of) anyone he might come across.

A "love tap" from Mr. Tyson

4. The Joker

An already creepy performance made even creeper by Heath’s posthumousness, he showed no qualms about ending anyone. Bonus points for drilling a pencil through a crime-lord’s eye and having the wherewithal to drop some arrogant quip at the same time. A mother-lode of creepy one-liners as well to chill your spine as he approaches…Some people just want to watch the world burn.

3. Anton Chigurh – The dude blows holes in other dudes’ foreheads with an air gun. Plus he can’t really speak. Which makes him more imposing for some reason. A lock pick for pure bad-ass-ness and total disregard for anyone else’s well-being.

2. Vlad the Impaler

Known for the sadistic pleasure he took from torturing enemies in bizarre fashions. Rumored to have killed between 80,000 and 100,000 people. Also nicknamed Dracula, and was the namesake for Bram Stoker’s bloodsucking Count. Bonus points for nationalistic tyranny, elegant dress and the best name on anyone’s list.

The origin of his name is still unknown

1. Jason Voorhees

For pure “shit-yourself-fear” factor, the Friday the 13th slasher gets top marks. The hockey mask is a nice touch that has spawned thousands of Halloween costumes over the years. Has the look of someone who wouldn’t think twice about completely dismembering anyone he came across, with the movie credentials to support. The machete is a nice touch.

Kevin's List

5. Cyrus the Virus (Con Air)

A total psychopath. An unlike a lot of the guys on these lists, Cyrus is that rare breed of "I know I am crazy, yet I am still going to throw you out of a plane anyways" type of crazy. He owned every scene of that turd of a movie. His best moment: when another villain tries to double crosses him but ends up in a pool of gasoline, Cyrus is holding a lit cigar. The villain, begging for mercy, yells out his name but only manages "CY!", but before he can finish, the Virus calmly utters "anora" and flicks the cigar into the flames.

The bunny was a more competent actor than Nic Cage

4. David McCall (the creepy boyfriend from "Fear")

If I ever have a daughter, I will have two fears. First fear is that she grows up to be a stripper or porn star, solidifying my failure as a parent. The second fear is that she ends up dating a psychopath like David McCall. David stalks and kills not only members of his girlfriend's family, but also kills his friends when they disagree with him. The scene where he beats his chest over and over again while staring at the dad is one of the creepiest scenes I have ever seen.

3. Fulton Reed (Mighty Ducks)

I must say this selection applies to me before I hit puberty. As a 15 year old, Fulton was peerless in bullying/intimidating ability. A 10 year old me would not stand a chance. Now as a 24 year old man, I would feel confident that him trying to steal my lunch money would end in my favor. This does not intimidate me.

2. Tommy DeVito (Goodfellas)

Although standing a mere 5'4", Tommy is not to be messed up. He beat up and murdered people twice his size with ease. Meeting him in an alley, I probably wouldn't even see him because he would be below my field of vision. I would probably accidentally bump into him and be brutally assaulted after trying to apologize. Tip: NEVER ask him to go get his shine box. Billy Batts can attest to that.